As I finally sit with my debut novel in my hand, I ask myself, "Why did it take this long?" Well, there's the natural brewing process of a story and the practicalities of putting it together. Sure. BUT then there's also the dream of completion that sometimes can be more satisfying than the completion itself. We've all heard that we should enjoy the journey rather than obsessing about the goal. But what if enjoying our journey at times can become an excuse to not reach the goal at all? Because what if the goal is not as amazing as our fantasy about it? What if the transition from fantasy to reality is a big ol' anti-climax?
And sure, sometimes the fantasy beats reality. There's the rosy slow-mo version of a lover and then the harsh filter-less reality when you get to know them all from their dyed roots to their morning breath. There's the dream trip that was so much fun to plan but in reality turned out to be a rainy series of complications. There's the anticipation of an ice cream, and then the yucked out feeling afterwards. The dream of something is a colorful canvas of endless of possibilities that could happen. Nobody can say otherwise, because it hasn't even happened yet! Ha! There is no proof of failure. You can't rain on my parade. Oh, no.
This concept makes me think of an man in his 80s who I once had a conversation with. He was highly intelligent and kind, and I asked him why he didn't have a family. He answered that he had always imagined himself with one but had never "sealed the deal," not wanting the search to end. Then one day he woke up and realized it was too late. The same thing had happened with his home-situation. He still had stuff in moving boxes after 10 years in the same house, and the paintings remained unhung. Why? Because he was just "passing through." That's what he said. Again, he didn't want to seal the deal. His story affected me greatly since I, myself, am a dreamer, a searcher, a second-guesser, with the fear of missing out. Searching is not bad (it's a beautiful privilege) but if the search becomes a hiding place or a paralysis of fear to choose - then we have a problem.
The conversation inspired me to write "The Rest-stop" as a chapter in my book Journey of Mem. I'm not going to spoil it for you too much but it deals with the fear of picking a path and confronting your dreams. Here's an insert from the book in which Mem meets Auto - the travel agent who has never traveled anywhere.
“Trips take planning. And while you’re planning, you can look at all the pretty pictures
and imagine being there. That’s almost as good! And then you don’t have to pick one. You can imagine being in all of them!”
As Auto said this, he swept his eyes over the images on the wall, sighing with contentment.
“You mean,” Mem said slowly, piecing it together, “you haven’t been to any of these
places?”
Auto looked at her uncomfortably, then hitched his enthusiastic grin back on his face. He
tapped his temple. “I’ve been to them here, in my brainpan!”
“But,” Mem interrupted, “how can you be a travel agent who hasn’t traveled? Ever.”
Auto tapped his foot and fluttered his lips. “Look here, princess. Have you been
anywhere?” He jabbed a finger in her direction. “No, I thought so,” he said, not waiting for an
answer. “You’re young and don’t understand, so I will explain it. I am mighty content that I still
got to see these places. What would I dream of—eh?—in my long hours behind that little desk if I already knew? Bah!”
In the end of the day, I've learned to love reality as much as I love fantasy. There's room for both. It's not about reality having to live up to fantasy - it's about reality teaching you something you could've never imagine in your fantasy. Maybe even something better. So, my next book won't take 10ish years to write because 1) I won't hide behind the journey in fear of an undesirable goal. Fail or win. Doesn't matter. 2) I will not try to measure the value of reality with fantasy. Aka. reality (the goal) doesn't owe us anything. It's here to teach us something. 3) Hey, maybe what I don't know about reality will be better than what I do know in my controlled fantasy. 4) Whatever happens with your goal - you can still keep the dream. A dream is not a one-time store-coupon. You get to keep trying. The dream is yours to keep if you want it.
To end this post I'm adding a poem from "The Rest-stop." Maybe some of this has resonated with you. Keep journeying, but to come closer - not to escape.
Love,
Paulina
~Choosing Path~
Left, right or in between.
Roads in the millions; places to be seen.
Left, right or in between.
My foot on the gas; soon, the light will turn green.
Left, right or in between.
My face leaning forward; my eyes, like high beams.
Left, right or in between.
Sweating with choices; this is always the theme.
Left, right or in between.
Roads in the trillions. I can’t move; I can’t scream.
Left, right or in between.
My foot off the pedal;
. . . I’ll at least keep the dream.
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